The following is taken from Native American Testimony, A Chronicle of
Indian-White Relations from Prophecy to the Present, 1492-1992, edited
by Peter Nabokov, Viking Penguin, 1991, paperback, 474 pages, ISBN
0-670-83704-0. It is a highly recommended book:
Teenager suicide is the most unambiguous sign of community
disintegration and personal despair. In Alaska, Native American suicide
is four times the national rate; in the past twenty years suicide
attempts by American Indians between twenty and thirty years of age
increased 200 to 300 percent over that of whites in that age range.
Sometimes government practices, such as Canada's Indian child welfare
practices, exacerbated those trends. But pervasive loss of self-esteem,
poverty, alcoholism, and alienation created a frightening future for many
Indian youth in the 1980's.
The following testament of pain is from the handwritten diary of a seventeen-year-old Chipewyan Indian named Richard S Cardinal, which he titled "I Was a Victim of Child Neglect." The document was found after the teenager nailed a piece of wood between two trees and hanged himself on June 26, 1984. Richard tried to take his life twice before succeeding...
I was born in Ft. Chipewyan that much I know for certain, because it's
on my birth-certificate.
I have no memories or certain knowledge of what transpired over the next
few years, I was once told by a Social Worker that my parents were
alcoholic's and that all of us kids were removed for this reason. I was
separated from the rest of my family and placed in a foster home
some-were in fort MacMurry.
My earliest memories are from when I was living with a family in
Wandering-River. I have little memory of this home but I do remember
that I was playing with some wooden matches and I guess when I left one
was still going and the outcome was desastrous, the shed in which I had
been playing had caught on fire, which spread and caught onto the hay
stack. When they had finally put out the fire and managed to save [three
quarters] of the stack I was given the whipping of my life...I was also
reunited with my brother at this home so I did not feel so alone any
more. We were moved after about a year.
Our next home was in the same town just a few miles away. This home was
good in one way but bad in alot of ways. It seemed that for every good
happenings there were two bad ones...about three months later my sister
Linda (who is the oldest of the years in our family) was moved into our
foster home. Charlie and linda were always playing together and seeing
as I was still pretty small I was always left-out so I began to spend
alot of time alone...
Our next move was a few month's later, we were moved to live [deleted]
we lived with an elderly couple my the name of [deleted]. I enjoyed this
home for the first two days then everything went wrong when we had to go
back to school. The first day I was sent to the office three time's in
the same day for fighting...I began to get into alot of trouble for
neglecting my chores and was hit several time's with a stick and sent to
bed. I could hear Mr. & Mrs. [deleted] arguing late into the night,
About them hitting me. In school it was worse than ever I was constantly
in trouble with the principle for fighting and not doing my work in
class...When fall returns it was back to school for us kids I can
remember-trying to get us ready before the bus arrived but we were so
excited that we were hopping around like grasshoppers on a hot
summerday. I would be returning to grade two this year. I was not
considered an outcast this year and got my first taste of puppy love
with a girl named Heather. I was halfway through the school-year when a
Social Worker came to our home and I was to be moved and asked me how
soon I would be ready to move and I answered, 1 week, I should have
answered never. When I would move alone Charlie and linda would stay.
I had 4 hours before I would leave my family and friends behind and
since linda and charlie were at school, I went into the bedroom and dug
out my old harmonica and went down to the barn and sat on the fence and
began to lay to the cows. I didn't know how to play at all but I played
real slow and sad like for the occasion, but before halfway through the
song my lowerlip began to quiver and I knew I was going to cry and I was
glad so I didn't even try to stop myself. I guess that [deleted] heard
me and must have come down to comfort me, when she put her arm around me
and I pulled away and ran up the road aways. I didn't want no one's love
any more and I had been hurt to many times so I began to learn the art
of blocking out all emotions and I shut out the rest of the world out
and the door would open to no one.
The Social Worker arrived to take me away to my new home. On the way
their he tryed to talk to me but I was'nt hearing or trying to hear.
When we arrived the Social Worker wanted to talk to the parents alone so
I remained in the car...I was taken into their house and [deleted]
showed me where I would sleep. The room was in the basement of the
house. When I walked into the room I could not believe my eye's. The
floor was covered with water (about an inch and half) and there were
boards on the floor to keep your feet from getting wet. The walls had
been painted red but had long before began to peel off, the window which
was no bigger than an atlas had a gape between the foundation and the
bottom which let in the cold winter wind and the beds were no wider than
two feet across and about a foot off the floor. there was a 40 watt
light that was in the ceiling (which was not completely finished) and
you had to pull a string to turn it on. It looked like something you
would see in a horror movie! "You'll be sharing this room with another
boy" he said and with that returned upstairs. The night was a night mare
in it self, The wind constantly blew through the crack in between the
window and the wall and it was like sleeping in a cool room I had a
spider crawl across my face twice before I fanally killed the dumb thing
and I was constantly cold. In the morning I was assigned chores to do
and I would be fed after they were done. When I was finished I was
returning to the house to eat and found a lunch bag in the doorway, this
was my breakfast. I was not allowed to eat with the family in the house,
and the same with lunch and supper. The next few days were like living
in a jail, I was set boundaries in which to stay in and I was to come
running "when I was called." I kept telling myself that this was all a
bad dream and that I would wake up soon with charlie and linda and the
rest of the family in our home back in Ft. Chipewyan, but in reality I
knew that I would'nt wake and that this was real, and not just some bad
dream. The first month's rolled by slowly and then bag! it was my
birthday, I was now nine however it seemed that everybody could
careless. I remaind "looked in my own little world and would not let
anything in or out" I was enrolled into Westlock Elementary School, I
was better hear I was away from the farm and the family that lived
their.
Here I began to fall into bad company and got into alot of trouble. We
were let out of school for two weeks for Christmas holadays. I fogure
things would eased-up abit between The Family and I during this period
however I was weerong Things got worse. I was beginning to feel rejected
and unwanted. Christmas morning I was sent outside and not allowed back
in till dinner and even then I had to eat in the basement, This was it I
could'nt take anymore of this I had to leave, go somewhere were nobody
would find me. I pack my belongings into my back-pack and I had stoled a
bottle of rye so I packed that to the garage and rolled up the old tent
and secured trhis onto the pack and I was almost ready.
I went back into the house and got a box of wooden matches and stuffed
it into my pocket's as I was comeing back-up the stairs and notice for
the first time the guns hung on the wall ther was box below the gun rack
and I opned it up. "beautiful I told myself, the box had pagages of
shells for the guns. Each pack contained 3 boxes of fifty shells. I took
two packs and stuffed them into my jacket. When I had got the gun out of
the house to the garage. I slipped on my pack picked up the gun and head
away from the house. I had been gone 4 days before I was caught and
brought back to the farm however I felt as though I had done darn good
since I was only 9 years old.
I spent the rest of the winter here feeling lonly and very depressed,
And I began to seriously think about suicide. The first time I attempted
it I sused a rasor blade to cut my arms but it hurt so much I didn't try
that again. When school started up once more I began to skip classes and
the [deleted] were informed. When I returned to the farm that evening
[deleted] was waiting for me and he began to yell and scream at me. I
was'nt listening and did not care. finaly he blew his stack and hit me.
It was the first time I was hit by him and I guess he exspeted me to
start bawling but I didn't I just stood there and started blankly at
him. My lip began to bleed quite badly. When I tasted the blood I spit
it beside his shoe's and told him to 'GO TO HELL," and with that I
walked away while I left him standing there looking rather stupid.
After school I would do my chores and sit in the barn and think and one
day I was in there thinking, and it struck me I could kill myself myself
now and no one would know until it was to late, and it jusy so happenes
that the bail I was sitting on still had a bailer twine on it so I
slipped it off and climbed up into the rafters. After I had secured the
rope I climbed down and placed some straw underneath the rope I climed
on and stood up determined to go through with it. I said a short Prayer
for god to take care of my family. I placed the rope around my neck and
kicked my lungs felt like they were melting right off my head. Finaly I
blacked out and was engulfed in a blanket of black.
Unfortunately I woke up. I could see alot of people above me, all of a
sudden thay all began to talk to me at the same time. I could not make
out what they were saying all the words were echoing in my head and my
eye's would not focus in on the people above me then I was swept back
into a sea of blackness.
I was released from the hospital after about a week. I was returned to
the [deleted] family my social worker was there. We sat and talked for
about two hours about how things were going. I exsplained to him that I
wanted to return to [deleted] and I wanted to be with Charlie and Linda,
however he tryed to exsplaine to me how that was impossible for me to go
back because
[The original of Richard's journal end here. But the copy of
the original made by the police soon after Richard's death carries on
for two more pages. These pages have since been lost.]
she was getting too old for so many young kids to take care of an
eventually the [deleted] would get another boy my age and just before he
left I was informed that I would be seeing a phychologist every three
days, then he let.
On the first day I went to see this phycologist, we just sat there and
talked about each other, generally just getting to know each other. He
kept caling me "my friend" I did not consider him my friend I though of
him as an enemy. He was trying to make me rember, I didn't want to, I
just sat and started at him blankly...
I want to say to the people involved in my life, don't take this
personal it's not your fault...