tired too of being an example... always hoped by design to show the kids i love that things are not so bad when really they ARE bad and nothing I can do will ever change that... but once I layed in the sun on some tarpaper remember that was warm and I was in first grade a field all mine no one to bother to shout to kick... just me no brother and barely mom and dad.

I still remember when this was but faded now... so much has faded yet the picture of the wolf standing on a hill looking down and in to a settlement so cold he was and dreaming... thinking perhaps he wanted company but wolves dont get that, need that, cant have what the gods have decreed is not their lot so too with me... whatever comes will be truly mine and no one elses and who is to say who has the power... dont we all?

out of bed and to computer cyber-space to books to coffee mail avoiding bills I try to make some sense some worth out of a jumble... for I have lost directions to the whole goddamn operation way back when... who cares not mom or dad for dead they lie no more to comfort counsel and to hug... often wishing am I to have another chance at...at...what... a chance to do... who ever thought of something such way back when it all was a blank page bordered in fun and not worrying about the future.

no more can be that! am angry now that i could never knuckle under and go where others tread in ignorance and hooded minds... no no not me instead I ranged well beyond the crowd and enjoyed much, that is for sure... but sooner or later that ranging was to isolate me just as prey and sure enough it has... now im in the systems sights finger tensing tighter til the slack is gone the hammer loosed pin hitting shell primer fired then so swift a missile sent to find its home.

if I am not careful am gonna sink... thats for sure waaaayyyyy down... deep deep deep to disappear as in quicksand...then, where is the art the poetry the love and memories.

oh boy...the pain am hoping is sweet... to sting to rip to prove to me there was a point...a lesson given not just to me but those too who kidded themselves into caring that there was some worth some kernel some THING of consequence some THING to point to and say yes there was a POINT a REASON, a cause of all of this

never wanted to become untitled but perhaps i am and now, so what.