"No matter where I stop it always is the same. Nothing changes. Nothing is different. There is no peace and never, so it seems, will be."

am living now within a triangle just below the apex... facing it I eat and to my left a stream rushes on the right do rush the cars as do they also at the base my dreams are troubled within this triangle...first night a collision the second a choking the third a fight my medicine bundle does not protect me rather it seems to draw the...what?

something it draws for sure to me this dark blackness known far north as the gray month when day closes down mid afternoon... but the wolf watches me from his perch on the hill looking down to the cabins dog eared now that small picture from so long ago first given by my grandmother come from the land of guinevere merlin and dear arthur... what thoughts she had to do this thing to me and send me off for so many years to a place in the quiet

...if you had to do this all again what would YOU choose i wonder huh i wonder but no matter now thats for sure... the one with blue feet has been injured on the outside now and must endure her pain and rehabilitation just as did her sister how come that coincidence had to be i ask you full well knowing that no one listens much less cares to answer.

so why bother you say i dunno good question that one was though not very original but better than washing cars or mowing lawns or riding trains and feeling sorry sorry sorry for a life inherited without much thought for what comes later for me though the later is now...

suicide ever think of that i ask the cowards way you say yet i think not... instead a door to choose when all others no longer appeal am thinking thinking thinking... a coward me? dont know... only am thinking i must have thought it well out before hand always am remembering that father slender and so tall with hung head low alone without his partner and a son just watching with a cold cold heart...

was me as carrier of the stone heart that time did nothing for him cause i never could be touched way way down and deep... oh no you he she dear mother never could get inside oh no and was i born that way so that the cold had already descended to isolate me so am wondering...

my brothers foot was cut so bad almost through it was and did i run to him oh no just walked and bought a pretzel...then next a hand cut clean through and did i care oh no just told the men to all go back to work and have no pity...

for that lost wife could truly care less cause she had her chance and gave it up so much a failure to the process and i still sit alone with others yes so many women and even one close now but still know deep deep down that nothing matters show this not to her jennifer if you read i write to you cause pain known is pain shared for sure you know that am thinking...

that father gone now bones bare all bug gnawed flesh dried yes but memories nothing can touch and is he watching wonder often i do full well knowing that i can never escape his gaze...so why bother this am thinking with no ever ever answers coming... no god to save no hand to grip no float to buoy me ever and no wonder shannon seems so desperate cause her father has no answers and she senses his despair...